I haven’t posted for quite some time and a major reason for it was that I neither wanted to nor was able to stop and reflect about anything. I was just going.

The initial catalyst for this change was my breakup with my girlfriend (**SPOILER ALERT We’re back together). Sensing a busy summer coming and the world changing as a result of the pandemic being somewhat over in its major impact on our lives following the spring vaccination drive (travel restrictions, indoor dining, group activities, masks all the time, etc,) put a lot of stress on our relationship. And I didn’t do a good job of talking about these things until it was too late. Early into being single, I was busy enough and enjoyed the feeling of only thinking about myself with my newfound idle time. But after six weeks, I had to look myself in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. How did I react? By trying not to look in the mirror and fill my time with whatever I could to run away from who I was and what I had done to blow up a relationship that had been so good for me. In fairness, I hadn’t yet had a summer on my own since being divorced and ended up having with the summer I didn’t want, but needed to have.

What I loved about my summer:

• I reconnected with my family. I spent a week with my kids on Long Island seeing many relatives and a weekend with my mother helping her recover from hip replacement

• I had fun times with my kids taking them on adventures to The Bronx Zoo, Yankee Stadium, Sesame Place, Storm King & Washington, DC

• I went on epic trips to Spain & Turkey (the latter with my girlfriend after we got together)

• I played so much golf I actually started getting bored of it. I woke up early to sneak in early rounds before work and cut early sometimes for twilight rounds to take advantage of long days in late spring and early summer. I played on my way to New England to see my parents and on many free weekend days

• I got myself back into shape a lost the COVID pounds (and a few more)

• I spent multiple days walking around the City reconnecting with the post-pandemic recovery & shopping to update my wardrobe for the first time in years

• Day trips to the Bronx (Little Italy & NY Botanical Garden) and the North Fork

• I went to a lot of baseball games, both Yankees & Mets. It was a sneaky good year to see baseball games because the first games were with limited fans and season tickets weren’t sold. Even for Father’s Day at Yankee Stadium we could pretty much pick our own seats. It wasn’t until the end of the season that it seemed the games were well-attended compared with usual norms

• I did a lot of grilling & reading. I learned the joy of a grill-made dinner followed by a night sitting outside smoking a cigar, drinking scotch and reading a light novel

• I found simple joy in riding a Citi Bike home from work up the West Side of Manhattan

• I reconnected with local friends & family in NYC who I hadn’t seen through most of the pandemic

What I didn’t

• I only had two social rounds of golf; most of the rounds were with random strangers. And I wasn’t getting any better at it so I was often frustrated

• For some reason despite all the free time I played so few baseball games I didn’t qualify for the playoffs

• Aside from breakfast with my kids, I was alone on for most of my birthday. Like the whole day. On a Saturday

• I had terrible anxiety for a solid six weeks and was prescribed medication for the first time in my life from the manic state that drove so much of this activity

• Most of the time I wasn’t talking to my girlfriend and I had to say goodbye to my best friend who had to move away. I realized how few friends I had and how hard it is to make real friends in your late thirties. Almost all of the above if not with my kids was by myself and I was terribly lonely

After a few months of all of this nervous energy and being tired of being alone I built up the courage to start dating again. I didn’t meet any future wives that had me questioning my long-term future with my girlfriend but I enjoyed the nerves, excitement & potential of a first date and the chase of online dating. While frustrating and annoying to buy the premium paid add-ons required to actually attract the attention to get dates, online dating kept me mentally busy. I met some really nice women and had excuses to go out to nice date places. It also got me comfortable meeting other people who felt the same things. In short, I learned to be more comfortable with the uncomfortable.

And while all of this was happening, I was promoted into a bigger job at work with a new boss and yet still felt like I should continue to push for more.

But now I find myself in a totally different place as the weather cools. I’m out of fun money, hotel points, daylight and great weather to enjoy. And now sometimes it feels like I’m climbing up the walls. Mentally I sometimes feel like “that person” you see on Instagram always posting seemingly cool adventures that they’re doing regularly. I’m wondering what’s next and while I certainly have good things to look forward to with my girlfriend, holidays and more time in my own space with my kids, there’s a part of me that’s been so used to going, so used to always finding the next thing that I’m finding it hard to slow down and enjoy the simplicity of life. It has me questioning, did I really learn anything from the pandemic or did I just find an optimal way to survive?

This all recently came to a head recently when I had a dream that I was playing baseball while trying to watch my kids. In the process my youngest ran away while I was taking an at-bat and not paying attention. It was the night before plans to squeeze in a round of golf with a buddy. The plan was rather audacious. I was going to wake up at my girlfriend’s before 6am to get up to my place in time to get picked up, drive 45 minutes to make our tee time, play a quick round and return in time for 3 hours of work meetings before spending the weekend with my kids. In an interesting twist, he cancelled on me at the last minute but it was a useful premonition that by over scheduling myself, I was not just stressing myself out but being in attentive to my children in the process, whose weekend would have inevitably suffered as I tried to play catch-up at work.

Where does this leave me? I don’t know, but I’ve enjoyed working a normal five day week where I don’t feel like I’m behind and I’m looking forward to a weekend where I don’t HAVE to do anything nor am I in the mood to make any grand plans. Learning to slow down is something that I’m still learning, particularly after the summer like I had it. But I think it’s necessary for re-centering myself so what are the specular, magic moments in life regain their luster and I can be a better partner, husband & confidante to those who I love.