The election last year was really tough for me. It’s one thing to get worked up and invested something, it’s another thing to physically become so anxious about an external outcome that it concerns you and physically impacts your well-being. The media and pop culture talks a lot about anxiety but as someone who lives and struggles with it on an ongoing basis, it’s a completely different feeling. From the weekend before the election through the week following the declaration that Biden was the winner I was on edge, my stomach was tight and I drank pretty heavily every night.

It’s only recently that I’ve come to grips with my struggles with anxiety. And while it’s a battle I’m winning at this moment, it’s a battle I only became conscious of relatively recently and have taken concrete steps to deal with. Even writing this took me a solid seven months.

Before getting into more of the story I thought it would first be useful to explain what it feels like for me to have anxiety. Firstly, my mind races. It either fixates on ideas or it moves from idea to idea as a never ending worry. And everything that’s on my mind needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. When around others, this leads to non-productive distractions and it seems to them that I’m ‘in my own head.’ I also feel a certain heightened awareness. At every moment I can feel my blood pulsating through my body and thought it isn’t, it feels like my heart is pumping at an unnaturally high rate (it may actually be I’ve never had it tested). And when it is bad I completely lose my appetite and any food I try to eat tastes rancid.

At its worst, my anxiety can cause panic attacks. They don’t happen often but they’re scary for me and those around me. I find that they are more of a physical event than mental. Generally, I get physically overwhelmed by the feeling of anxiety that I hyperventilate, my heart starts racing, I get a tight feeling in my chest that causes me to lie down and I usually tear up and cry a little. They’re incredibly embarrassing and a scary sight for those to see a strong, physically fit, confident man like me to turn into this. They typically don’t last for more than a minute or two and while I still feel a lot of anxiety following the release actually feels pretty good. Once you’ve had a panic attack, the fear of having another one causes anxiety in its own right and can cause me to have a lot of avoidant behavior to prevent them at all costs. This is a damaging cycle to avoid. I’ve found through temporary coping skills I can stave them off from happening in the wrong situation, but that its better to just let them happen in private and preferably in the company of a trusted loved one. Diversion about the last point — often sharing what’s building up with an empathetic partner can prevent them or lessen their severity.

It’s hard to know where this all comes from and how much my situation differs from the norm. I’ve always been known as a “highly strung” guy. Growing up, I was a high achiever and dealt with normal hormonal mood swings. My mother often referred to me as “Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”; someone who was generally a nice, well-tempered person but could explode in anger. But I didn’t struggle with areas of anxiety that often drive mental issues in adolescents and became somewhat more laid back in surroundings of the Type A overachievers I was surrounded with in advanced classes. I got very nervous before track meets, soccer games or musical performances, but it was easy to chalk those issues up to a lack of natural talent and mental approach necessary to be a star. Academics were easy for me. Sure, I got stressed studying for tests, particularly if I wasn’t prepared, but at no point have I ever feared I wasn’t good enough or had fear of failure, which was endemic with many of my peers, even as academic competition increased and stakes grew. I knew I was one of the smartest in my high school and my parents didn’t put much pressure for me for grades. I always knew I’d do well against a curve and when I got to college, it wasn’t until senior year that I even thought getting straight A’s was important, by which point, I was well-accustomed to the level of work expected of me and adroit in avoiding courses which could hurt my GPA. Even in my failings and disappointment at not doing well enough on the LSAT to get into a good enough Law School for me or not acing my all-state music audition in high school, I never experienced anxiety with testing; merely frustration at my inability to develop the necessary mastery to be the best.

After growing up in a household where both parents had tempers and attending a high school where fighting and insult-throwing were sport, I developed a reputation as a young adult as someone with a “big personality”; out of step with many mild-mannered colleagues in college and struggled with cultural norms of the workplace in my younger years, particularly at Accenture, which had for years developed a reputation of having a culture of “Arthur Androids” (The firm dropped the name related to the accounting firm, Arthur Anderson, from which it was founded in 2000— which proved to be fortuitous in the wake of the Enron scandal).

Looking back on my life, I think anxiety first appeared through relationship stress. Around girls I really liked, I’d get incredibly nervous to the point where my personality changed and lost my appetite. It was easy to chalk this up to the usual feelings associated with young love and relationships. But I also experienced this type of feeling on my last project with Accenture when I knew I wasn’t succeeding and that the result of my leaving the project would be that I would lose my job. In addition to it being a huge hit to my ego, it took a personal toll on me where I shut down in my personal life, was incapable of performing even the most basic tasks, stopped eating, exercising and lost 15 pounds in less than month. I was stressed for sure, but for the first time, I experienced a division between the stress I was feeling, and crushing anxiety, which prevented me from taking care of myself and led to many sleepless nights, particularly on Sunday nights as I feared the week to come. I came to call it The Beast.

The Beast returned my summer at a leading consulting firm the summer in between my two years in business school. For the first time I felt the extreme end of the Yerkes-Dodson curve, where the high stress I was experieriencing led to anxiety and led me to in effect, sabotage myself. I knew I wasn’t prepared to do what was expected of me and instead of just buckling down to do my best in a bad situation, I procrastinated, left the most important priorities to last and made a bad situation worse by giving less than my best. And to me, this is the difference between stress and anxiety. When you’re stressed, you become more stimulated and your focus narrows on the stressor. You can use that focus to overcome it or it can overwhelm you.

Becoming a father also brought on new levels of anxiety. Talk to any new parent and you’ll notice it. Talk to any parent with older children and they’ll laugh about it. Ah, nature…. My adjustment was probably more difficult than average. Nothing can prepare anyone for the ups & downs and stresses of being a parent for the first time. I didn’t deal with it well and for the first significant time in my life, I resorted to drinking. This is another sign of anxiety. Instead of focusing on the problem, I found alternatives to avoid it. For sure, there are positive diversions like exercise, a limited amount of trashy TV or movies but when I realized I was resorting to medicating with negative outlets, it’s a surefire sign of an anxiety issue. I became a functioning alcoholic; able to meet all of my responsibilities and seem to all around me like I was fine, but then I’d find a night or two a week to drink by myself or with a close friend until I was wasted. Inside I was crumbling, feeling as though I was struggling to make it through every day with my only hope being the next time I could go out and get trashed. And as is well documented, depression and anxiety go together so while drinking didn’t really cause me to be depressed as is the norm for many, it caused me terrible anxiety the next day. I was spiraling downhill trapped in the paradox best described by the great philosopher Homer Simpson: Alcohol was both a solution and a problem for me.

Caffeine was also a problem. I was never much of a coffee drinker before I had kids — it bothered my stomach. But the nights up with babies followed by work the next day made it necessary for me to function and after being out drinking until 4am, it was necessary for me to make it through the workday. And that’s when things got really bad. The mix of anxiety and a stimulant that accelerated my heartbeat became toxic for me and I’d psychosomatically have panic attacks. That was one of the signs I had that I was heading down a dangerous path.

I’d like to think that my anxiety accelerated the end of my marriage but in many respects, the failings of the relationship and the loneliness that I increasingly felt also exacerbated the problem. Anxiety became a balm for me and a protection mechanism after multiple consecutive years of high stress so my brain would be prepared for the next shoe to drop. In effect, I became so used to having crazy things happen to me that I needed to create the stress, the drama and maintain the anxiety both to protect myself and feed the buzz that I needed to maintain.

Inevitably, I had a mental breakdown that coincided with my decision to separate from my wife. I knew my marriage was over but I could still save my relationship with my children and that became my focus. I also got really serious about committing to therapy. I’d had a couple of tries at it before but was never “all in.” There’s nothing like facing a potential custody battle to put your back against the wall to get help — but I also I got good advice from my two best friends to do so.

I can’t emphasize how important it is to seek help from a mental health professional. At this point, I believe everyone’s got something and it’s important to maintain a mental health regime as much as it is to keep up with seeing a primary care physician regularly and maintaining good diet & exercise. I see a licensed psychiatrist at least monthly. As a medical doctor, he can prescribe me something if I need. He asks the hard questions and I give him the honest answers. He’s more expensive, but knowing I’m close to someone who can immediately prescribe me something if I need it (and I am fully honest with him) gives me piece of mind. Those who do take something in my view are not weak or have biggest issues, it’s what works for them. For nearly two years he never suggested I ever take something but after having a difficult time of late he finally made a gentle suggestion at the end of a session. I initially waved him off and indicated I’d give it a couple weeks to see if things would get better, but after speaking with a couple close friends I realized that I was being weak and letting myself get in the way of getting better. After putting me on a light dose of an anti-anxiety medication to take before bedtime it hasn’t been a huge difference, but it has helped me sleep a bit better and wake up with less anxiety. More importantly it’s helped me realize that doing what seems to be the weaker thing may actually require the most courage.

On the advice of my primary care doctor I regularly take Vitamin B12 to lift my spirts. And when I feel like I am getting anxious, I take CBD. CBD has become a hot fad and I will not claim to be an expert on it, but for me, it helps slow down the runaway train of thoughts in my mind. It helps me sleep if a restless thought is keeping me up and if I’m stressed at work, it helps break that cycle of frustration that used to cause me to lose my temper. In relationships, I’ve found before a difficult conversation, it helps me be present with my girlfriend instead of my own head so I can listen better. The main side effect is drowsiness and it’s very important to take in moderation, particularly if starting a new brand as product quality has reported to be inconsistent though I’ve never had an issue. One particular brand I once tried caused me to lose my appetite (which may be a selling point for some). I go through high’s and low’s like anyone else and sometimes I find myself needing to take regularly for a week or two. Otherwise, months will go by and I’ll never think to take one.

On an ongoing basis, I’ve done other things to manage my anxiety. First and foremost, I prioritize getting enough sleep. We are not 10 anymore. There’s no glory in bragging about how little you sleep. Being well rested as a starting point prevents many issues. If I get enough sleep, I can have less caffeine. Conversely, there’s a vicious cycle to not getting enough sleep. If you have anxiety you can’t sleep and if you aren’t sleeping, your anxiety will get worse. In fact, the reason I take the prescription I do is primarily to ensure I get through the night after a tough day with enough sleep that I don’t get into a bad cycle. Exercise is also important for me. Strength training and intense workouts are great for burning off stress and negative thoughts but I also found during the pandemic that taking a long run puts my mind into an almost dreamlike state after a couple miles. My kids cause anxiety for sure, but when I get worked up about other things they are not just a welcome diversion but a helpful forcing mechanism to maintain proper perspective. But there are times when anxiety can’t be avoided. Even being conscious of it is a helpful step and all of the above I’ve described don’t work, even taking 10 deep breaths to slow my self down can temporarily help.

Despite this ongoing struggle that comes and goes, my anxiety has not disrupted my ability to live a normal life and thankfully, finally being open honest and tackling it head on has helped me live with it. But it is a struggle I recognize I will face for the rest of my life and I accept that.

There are a lot of people who deal with crushing, debilitating anxiety that prevents them from having a normal life and overcoming their fears. Sadly, many of them don’t know that anxiety is the root cause and blame externalities to the detriment of themselves and those around them. As someone who has come to understand these issues recently, it’s made me empathetic to how hard it is. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to face it head on, get help and don’t be afraid to cry in the arms of a loved one if it all becomes too much for you.