Some things I learned about divorce
I first posted an earlier version of this after I had settled my divorce but before going anything further I have to emphasize that divorcing with children means it’s never final; as the children grow hopefully your divorce settlement (or decree) will grow with them, but not necessarily so after going through a recent post-settlement mediation, I’ve made some revisions & additions.
Going back to my original divorce, it took a year from the time when we started having the difficult conversations to settle & nine months from that point for the court to finalize our divorce. Going through the process sparked a number of thoughts — other than the obvious that it’s even harder than I thought it would be and you should try to avoid it if at all possible:
Try to be as kind as possible - I got this advice from a close friend who divorced many years ago early in my process and it was sage advice. The process is excruciating there are a ton of emotions and hurt feelings on both sides. You have to make decisions for the future that you could not possibly have anticipated and even if you enter process hoping for a split as amicable as possible, the process is fundamentally adversarial and breeds distrust and animosity at times. Trying to minimize the inevitable hard feelings and anger toward your ex is critical. This does not mean you cave on issues that are important to you in the name of maintaining a good relationship but try at every juncture to be cordial and avoid the inevitable instinct to be petty or go tit-for-tat on issues. If you don’t think you can have a conversation without getting heated, avoid it until you can get a third-party involved. My ex and I agreed quickly to non-disparagement but it wasn’t necessary; nothing good comes from bad mouthing your ex to anyone (except maybe a therapist or a best friend), particularly if you are raising children.
If you have kids, prioritize their well-being in all decisions - As hard as it is to raise children, there’s a reason that any divorces involving them are especially difficult and involve battles over custody & other key decisions about them. When I was wrestling with what to do when my wife and I hit our rough patch, my biggest reason not to divorce was the desire to stick it out and maintain at least the veneer of a loving home for my children. But when I realized how unhappy I was, how long I would have to maintain what was becoming an undeniable fiction and how it was inevitable that it would impact them negatively, it was a huge mind shift for me that led to a total mental breakdown. Once I really thought about my relationship with them and what was in their best interest the decision was hard to swallow, but ultimately the right one. The fact is whether you divorce or stay together, you need to find a way to be happy and make key decisions about your children with your co-parent. Kids may be difficult at times but there’s a reason custody is often one of the most heated battles. Even if custody isn’t an issue, divorce forces you to collectively make decisions about all of the key decisions regarding your children’s future until they become adults. In my case, me and my ex had thought a little in advance and discussed some basic key values but we had to contemplate a schedule for many years into the future, including every holiday and had to think about key decisions like how we would pay for college. And we had to do this in a situation with a person I was challenged to have any reasonable conversation with. Thinking of what’s best for your children won’t magically solve everything, but it will certainly help, particularly when reasoning with your ex. Do your best as much as possible to put yourself in the shoes of your children and what you would think at a similar age. Another important tip is to avoid competing over their affections and try to maintain one set of rules. If you remain unified as co-parents and each act as both “good cop” and “bad cop” in your own way, your kids will love you. NEVER use your kids or how you treat them as a proxy for fighting your ex.
Lawyers solve nothing — My ex and I primarily handled our divorce through mediation. It was helpful to have a third party to guide us through the process and settle tensions when voices were raised, but the mediator was not an arbitrator and only served to ensure we covered everything, calmed tensions and documented what was agreed. When our respective lawyers wrapped up the agreement and smaller disagreements arose, they did nothing to resolve the underlying issues and in certain respects delayed the process. Ultimately, I found you have to find a way to problem solve with your ex — as hard as it may be. Your divorce settlement is actually good start because within months we found ourselves in situations that our settlement didn’t cover (no matter how long and detailed a settlement they never cover everything) and the last thing we wanted to do was go back to the lawyers and spend a bunch of money covering them. Any other process will be incredibly expensive and could result in an imposed solution by a judge that neither party will like. Any time we looked to the legal professionals to help provide expertise or resolve anything, they happily billed the hours and spent our money to churn through the issues, but they didn’t ultimately resolve anything; a mistake we each repeatedly made. Unless you have a lot of money at stake, keep a mental note of the time you are spending with attorneys on the issue relative to the cost of the issue. When in doubt, it’s better to be more generous to your ex and your children’s future than a lawyer. But at the end of the day, their interests are primarily to make money and protect you. They have little to gain by efficiently solving problems. But if you do come to loggerheads, a licensed couples counselor experienced in divorce is your best bet. He/she will also not impose anything and make you work things out with your ex, but they tend to be much more solution-oriented and bring more expertise to the table. I’m not seeking to denigrate attorneys here, but am expressing an observation from my process and after speaking with others who have gone through divorce have yet to find any with positive things to say about their attorneys
Good lawyers are expensive, but worth it - A good lawyer will help you understand your rights, ensure you don’t miss anything and will advise you how the law operates if the courts get involved (and hence if you are being unreasonable). When I originally divorced and posted on this topic I wrote: ‘there no such thing as a “standard” divorce or “leading practice.” Every family situation is unique and I found there to be little useful objective standards or policies to rely upon for dispute resolution.’ That was wrong. I had a good attorney, but she was at the end of her career and “less expensive than a NYC divorce attorney.” After recently going through a post-settlement mediation, I hired a junior partner from a large, well-established firm on the advice of a friend. It turned out my first attorney had missed a couple of critical details that nearly burned me in my mediation. And from working with this new attorney, there are some standard terms for parenting schedule and I gave up more than I was advised that I had in my original settlement for what I thought was the good of my children when they were young. This was a very expensive lesson to be learned. When you get divorced, it’s really important to do your research on an attorney. Larger firms may appear more expensive with higher hourly rates, but you benefit from their intellectual property and their ability to delegate the work to paralegals and associates who bill at lower rates. As an aside, it’s also not a bad thing to hire an attorney who is around your your same age and gender. My lawyer now is about the same age and has children who are the same age as mine. Though lawyers are professionals, recognize that divorce is an extremely personal matter. Working with someone living in similar circumstances may help them be more empathetic and bring more practical views to your case
You will lose friends, but there are ways to minimize it - I’ve lost friends through all life transitions, whether personal or professional. It’s inevitable. Generally my ex’s friends before our marriage were loyal to her and those who were mine were supportive, understanding and remain close to me. When I see a friend of my ex-wife’s it is always very pleasant but we never ask why it’s been so long because we know and that’s OK. Everyone else as far as I’m concerned is neutral and they want to keep it that way. The most important things to do here are to follow my advice above — be kind to your ex, make children a priority (if applicable) and work together to solve your problems instead of involving others. The best way to lose friends and isolate yourself - even if you remain married - is to publicly fight. Everyone wants their social circle to be a source of support & enjoyment. They don’t want uncomfortable situations in their free time. Stressing the positive & the desire to maintain relationships of the children (if applicable) is very important. Even if friends do offer to or try get involved, decline the offer and leave it to the professionals. And if anyone bad mouths your ex, as nice as it will be to hear (trust me, it’s great), the best thing to do is find a polite way to change the subject. It ends badly for all involved.